JULY 1, 2011

andreas and i have this place. during the year we talk about our trips there with fondness. and always, there is an achy desire to go back someday.

actually, andreas and i first met at lavey-les-bains. we had met only once before. i remember him reading tin-tin comics in the train. we both remember our lively discussion about ebay ( i just wanted to talk to him, and he is always up for a good debate). afterwards, we went into town for dinner, he ate lasagna. it’s funny, the little insignificant things we remember? for me, it’s those little bits that make the memories seem not so far away. after that day in lavey-les-bain, my heart started beating a little faster every time i heard his name. i guess, you could say, the rest is history.

later that fall, andreas and i went back to lavey a few times. it was so exciting to go as a new couple, freshly in love, relishing in every moment.

five years later, we are still that couple. i held andreas hand as we walked through town to lavey. relishing in every moment, knowing how special this place is to us. it is hard to know when we will be back, so until then we will look at pictures, re-tell our memories of when we first met, and wait until we are back there again.

JUNE 24, 2011

 oh geneva. how quickly familiar you become and how much i remember that you are part of me.

the sight of everything being so green. and the colorful flowers, oh my.

the smell of the cave.

the sound of the bus.

the taste of a buttery croissant.

the movement of the train.

this past week was spent doing exactly what i wanted to do. picking up long-time favorites at migros at savoring their every bite. spending time talking with my dad. late evening walks through the suisse fields and vineyards. a day trip to murten, a city with inexplicable charm. visits to a near by farm, that made my heart go pitter-patter at the site of chickens, raspberry bushes, bees and rows of delicious veggies. a walk through the vielle ville, which brought back memories of when andreas and i first started dating.

now, i am waiting for andreas to come join me in this city that i love.

JUNE 11, 2011

it is that time of year when everything is green and full of promise in my garden. young leaves are growing by the day, newly mixed compost and soil is fluffy and soft to the touch, tender buds are forming in hopes of becoming this season’s veggies.

with this being my second season in the garden, i am finding myself more at ease. i am not running inside every hour looking up if it’s okay for basil to flower or how much sun my tomatoes need. i have already spent countless hours weeding and in the end find it gratifying to see a clean bed of veggies. of course, there have already been battles lost. the squirrels discovered my strawberry patch early this year, A ran over my lily of the valley with the mower, and i over-fertilizer my first rose bush. but as with anything i must accept the losses and move on.

this year i am also finding my time in the garden healing. at times, my infertility has made me feel that i am unable to create anything – as hard as i may try it doesn’t work. but when i walk into my garden it is different. it is magical to see the new sprouts poking through the ground. after all the worrying, planning, planting, and watering something worked. i grew something. it’s a nice reminder that the process can work and does. maybe even for me one day.

MAY 23, 2011

three more days of work until summer vacation. four days until my blurb book arrives in the mail. thirteen days until the futon we order ships. thirty days until i visit my dad. one hundred and five days until our ivf.

yes, it might be a little obsessive but it helps keep things moving. one hundred and five sounds like a big number, but it really isn’t. i thought about making a paper chain once we reach 99 days. we’ll see if that happens.

MAY 15, 2011

there was a hop in my step for the past couple of days. this thing that andreas and i have been working so hard towards was an itty-bitty-teeny-tiny possibility this month. we decided to wait it out a couple of days and see what happens. i thought it would over-consume me, i thought i wouldn’t be able to bare the wait after the first day. but i did. a couple times i remembered and said to myself “what if this is it”. we talked about how to use the money we have saved up. we laughed a little bit more and A walked around with the biggest boyish grin on his face. i didn’t allow myself to pick paint colors and middle names just yet, but i gave myself a little permission to dream a little. it all felt too easy.

this story ends with us still hoping to become a family a three. we are back to waiting. waiting for september when our ivf will happen. waiting for the point when we have to pick paint colors and middle names. waiting. all the while i see a world of people moving ahead.

APRIL 27, 2011

five years ago we stood in a living room with a peculiar man. that peculiar man was the judge who would marry us. i kept looking around his living room, perhaps because i was nervous, but mostly because there were thousands of sand-angles figurines starring at you from every corner, which is very unnerving when you are about to say your vows.

so much has changed in five years. pawpaw is no longer with us; he is in heaven with his bride. i no longer have that skirt or necklace. my dad has a little less hair now. but some things haven’t change. andreas still has the same hair cut. my mom still wears her heart pin. and we are still together. i thought our five year anniversary would look a little different than it does today. regardless of what i thought, i am honored to have andreas as my husband today and for the past five years. we have grown, laughed, traveled, stretched ourselves and enjoyed life together. i can only hope for these things and more in the next five years.

our tradition is to celebrate this anniversary with cheesecake, since after getting hitched we had dinner at the cheesecake factory like it was any other day. so tonight we will celebrate with friends a small milestone of five legal years of marriage.

APRIL 19, 2011

i should be doing a million other things right now, but i am not.

i should be: writing a paper (or three to be exact), applying some elbow grease to an almost finished fireplace, paying a parking ticket, or exercising.

instead: i am sitting staring at the beautiful dogwood tree in our neighbor’s yard. thinking about my norwegian family nestled in a cabin for påske ferie. anxiously waiting for our doctor’s appointment on thursday. listening to iron and wine. on my way to take a bath and finish my book.

some days it’s best not to do anything at all.

FEBRUARY 1, 2011

i had a dream a few weeks ago that has stayed with me.

it was a simple dream. one that allowed me to feel joy and true happiness. it is a dream i want – perhaps need – to remember.

we were at the weston apple festival. the warm october sun was on our backs. above the sea of people i saw the row of white tents down main street. we walked in and out of each one, taking our time. while in one particular tent i looked around saw beautifully hand-carved wooden toys. a brightly painted wooden train and a set of building blocks were carefully displayed. a little boy, maybe two to three years old with soft blond hair, reached up to grab the train. as he went to grab the train, i reach for his hand and scoop him up all in one motion. at the same time, A came from the back of the tent with a little girl, 5 or 6 years old, on his shoulders. her light brown hair was pulled back by a pink hair band. we all walked out together into the warm sun. it was my family. i didn’t skip a beat. i knew them and they knew me. the rest is a blur – there was a stroller and did we talk about going to buy a turkey leg? towards the end, dream lindsay said to real lindsay “look. don’t you see how happy you are?” and i was so happy.

i have prayed for a glimpse of my family for a year. was that them or was that just a wonderful dream? all i know is that is gave my soul a taste of what is to come – the joy of life that has been dampered this past year someday will be gone.

so i will continue to wait. still praying for more dreams and praying even harder for someday be in that tent with my family, on a warm october afternoon.

AUGUST 26, 2010

school, both school-work and school-school, is back in full swing. when i was contemplating going back to school last spring i began to wonder if i was becoming a school junkie. you know, someone is who is always working towards a degree, constantly studying, constantly learning but never really applying that knowledge. my head was full of nagging questions like, “are you going back to school because you are bored?” “do you believe you are above everyone else who sits at a desk from 8-5 and hates it as well?” “how can you be sure this is really what you want to do?”.

this past week and a half at school-work has been grueling. like drop-dead-the-minute-i-hit-the-door-grueling. but…i absolutely love it. i love: hearing arabic, spanish and chinese all spoken at once, learning that women in india do not take their husband last names when they marry and explaining when to use  a lot verse much.

i am hesitant to say this, but i think i have found it. my vocation. my passion. my strengthes. all week i have been sighing in relief. no you aren’t crazy for signing up for another masters. yes yes yes, this really might be it.

sigh. :)

AUGUST 23, 2010

while it is 86 degree and almost 8pm, summer is ending. the days are becoming shorter and our weekly routine has a rhythm again.

i have been thinking about this space and it’s purpose. i am going to push myself to be more reflective, more honest, more open when recording our daily snippets. perhaps, i have decided that sometimes a picture is not enough. sometimes words are needed to truly capture the memories and thoughts behind the picture.

i am itching to transition to fall. i’ve been eyeing my sweaters, day-dreaming about knitting blankets, and putting together our list of house projects.

but don’t you believe for a second that there still isn’t time for eating ice cream (coffee haagen-dazs ice cream to be exact) and a few afternoon by the pool.