DECEMBER 3, 2011

week 11

i love the fact that we started with seeds and dry beans and now have quickly moved to fruits. you are growing quickly and this week your toes and fingers are no longer webbed! you have gone from gummi bear to human in a matter of weeks. i have noticed that i am not as exhausted this past week. only a couple times did i have to come home and crash after work. still not a ounce of morning sickness, though this week nothing has sounded good to eat. the one thing i have noticed is i am always always thirsty! which means i drink i ton, which then means i have to pee a ton. i promise, i am not complaining.

week 12

i will admit when i saw the size of the plum and thought “that is in me?” i began to panic just a little because a plum is awfully big. but i did my research and you are the length of the fruit now, not the width or weight for that matter. and this week is important because it is the end of the first trimester. all of your vital organs and systems are complete and supposedly the risk of losing you is very low. it is has been a long twelve weeks. i have been holding my breath with every ache, pain, sneeze and doctor’s visit. i have not allowed myself to become too attached to the pregnancy or the thought of you coming home one day. i have not bought one single baby item or read any pregnancy blogs or books. it feels too soon. now don’t misunderstand me, i think about you, bean, all the time. i pray for your development and health daily. the other day, A and i started to throw around names (he is so picky!). i am looking forward to the second trimester, in feeling more confident and able to enjoy this pregnancy. yah for week 13!!

DECEMBER 1, 2011

this is all that remains from our thanksgiving dinner. and while i am not a huge pumpkin pie fan, i cannot fathom having thanksgiving without it. my other two dishes did not last more than two days – yeast rolls ( i believe andreas ate 6 in one day) and a killer mac and cheese (and i mean killer: bacon, three cheese, breadcrumb topping). we celebrated at my aunt kathryn’s house with a scrumptious dinner followed by football and looking through back-friday ads in the newspaper.

for me thanksgiving is a time of reflection – remember the past year and the blessing that we have received. so i wanted to record those this year, here. i asked Andreas to write a few down, and here is what he came up with. and yes he does know that he has two letter Bs. i have to admit, my eyes started to tear up just a little as i read over his list.

Anniversary
BBQ
Baby
Collage basketball
Dollars
Easy days at home
Finished fence
Gracie
Homemade food
Ice cream (especially chocolate)
Jacobs well group
Kansas city
Lindsay
Movember
Norway
Oversea flights
Prayers
Quiet neighbors
Roadtrips
St Louis hospital
Trondheim
Unforgettable walks in the mountains
Visitor from Norway
Wife
X-ray, to see baby
Zermatt

i did not get that creative, but mine are nonetheless heartfelt.

i am thankful for scientific advances in modern medicine. without doctors, researchers, and patients andreas and i would not have had the opportunity to create our family in this way.

i am thankful for celebrating five years of marriage. coming from a divorced family, ideas of commitment or separation will always looms in the back of my head, even if they are far far away. Andreas and i have struggled through infertility together, a crisis that not every relationship survives. but we did. and we will continue to.

i am thankful for my job and the opportunity to go back to school. a few years ago, daily i would ask: what do i want to do with my life? well i have found something that i love, i am good at and fulfills me. there can be nothing better than that.

i am thankful for my husband. this year he has worked really hard and put in so many extra hours during the week. i know this has come as a personal sacrifice and he did it for us. he did it for me. i consider myself blessed.

Happy Thanksgiving, all!

NOVEMBER 28, 2011

the rules of movember are as follows

1) after november 1st no shaving in the moustache area

2) it cannot be a beard, it must only be a moustache

3) the wife does not have to agree or like it

for the past three years Andreas has participated in movember. and for the past three years i have hated every minute of it. well actually every minute of kissing him during movember. also in all of our thanksgiving pictures Andreas has a stache. boo! he does not look like my husband, he begins to look like a pictures i once saw of his father from the early 80′s when he had  a stache. this year there was a comprise, the stache must go the wednesday before thanksgiving. everyone compiled with the rules. of course, this is the thanksgiving when i did not take one single picture. not one! sigh, but we are both happy because i do not grimace every time i kiss him and he is getting more kisses.

NOVEMBER 12, 2011

week 8 – kidney bean

this was another wonderful week because i got to take another peek at you. the purpose was to look at the extra sack but we spent most of the time looking at you. the tech pointed our your spine and little arm and leg buds and your heartbeat was strong at 174 bpm – she called you a gummi bear which made me laugh out loud. but everything looked good, so i guess if all goes well the next time we see you will be in twelve weeks. she printed a pic of you which sits on my nightstand, every morning and evening i see you and i am reminded to think and pray for you.

week 9 – grape

this is the first week when i have been tempted to eat “you” after the photo shot. and lets just say that i gave in. dry lentils and kidney beans were not so appetizing but grape are good. speaking of food, this week i got to “settle” a craving i’ve had with two wonderful friends, ellen and kaddie. for some reason i have been craving sushi since my birthday, so for a belated b-day dinner we went out to Ra. no i did not indulge in any fish sushi but did have tempura veggie and a veggie rolls. not exactly the same but i’ll take it. also, you/we got our first gift – those girls know me too well – a fabulous little onesie that will just have to wait to be seen.

week 10 – kumquat (aka an olive)

i must be honest. i have never eaten nor seen a kumquat in my life. so when the website mentioned you were a kumquat this week i did my darnest to find a kumquat but i came up with zilch. but during a conversation with soon-to-be aunt amanda, she pointed out that a kumquat and an extra large olive might be comparable. so that is how we ended up with the olive.

also this week i had another appointment with julie, my midwife. i got to hear your heartbeat for the first time with the doppler. it took her forever to find it but she patiently searched and finally there you were, beating away at 160 bpm. i wish andreas had come with me. it sounded like galloping horses or someone rhythmically  pounding on a soft drum. only four more long weeks until we get to hear that sound again.

OCTOBER 17, 2011

week 7

 you have made a giant leap from lentil to blueberry

this week i am a little more at peace since we heard your heartbeat last week

naps have become part of my regular routine but other than that i feel great

andreas is already calling you a boy…it’s going to be a long 40 weeks :)

OCTOBER 13, 2011

i have been teaching my students about fall this week. it’s a difficult concept to grasp when we have two names for the exact same season. so i find myself repeating “fall is autumn, autumn is fall” to help clarify.

but fall is here. i have made pumpkin bread (twice). soups are back in our dinner rotation. the heat is on during the evening. and sunday = football.

of course, when i look outside my eyes cannot be fooled to believe it is anything else but fall. the leaves are changing and tumbling down. the air is brisk and chilly. i am craving my morning coffee more than ever, but resisting like a good girl. the morning are dark and the evening are short. some feel that fall can be depressing, but i so enjoy this time of year. it is time to slow down, curl up and prepare for the winter months ahead.

OCTOBER 9, 2011

week 6

we finally got to see our bean this week (our nickname for you, even though he/she is still a wee little seed). we went to go see my midwife, whom i dearly love (ask me why in person, it’s not completely blog appropriate) and after a few tears when they told us we would have to wait until next week for an ultrasound and answering some overwhelming questions first-time parents haven’t even thought of this early (breastfeeding…doulas…what?), we were sent to radiology.

it was one of the most surreal moments to see your little heart beating away on the screen. 124 beats per minutes. exactly where it should be. i kept thinking this isn’t real, except i had no choice but believe. of course, my A asked the tech a thousand and one questions while all i wanted to do is keeping watching your heartbeat. she measured you from rump to crown and according to her you are 5 weeks and 3 days, which is a little perplexing since we know your conception date – one of the perks of ivf. we did see a little surprise – another sack but it was completely empty. when the tech said another sack, A eyes got really wide. i had to smile, since during this process he always said one is just enough for us :)

today made me trust a little bit more that this is really happening. i still remind myself that it is early. i still remind myself that we aren’t out of the woods yet. but tonight i didn’t have any of those thoughts. instead, we talked about your little heart beat and gazed at a fuzzy print out of you. in awe.

OCTOBER 9, 2011

week 5

if had to compare, because in my mind a poppy and sesame seed were virtual the same size. but no! you have grown and it’s an important week because all your inner are beginning to develop so i have been extra good and only had one coffee and one diet coke this week.

this week everything has felt a little more real. i made an appointment with my midwife. you were given a due date 6.03.2012 – andreas loved this date because six is half of three and twelve is six doubled. does anyone else think like this besides my A? i’m been exhausted during the day and peeing all through the night. i love these little reminders that you are there.

perhaps the most exciting is that we had a couple of those “after the baby is born” conversations. i even allowed myself to quickly jot down a list of must have for any baby – three years ago all i could do is makes lists, it’s how i get excited. so lists were made but much more complete with name brand, price, and store location. after our first ivf the lists just disappeared all together. but this week i wanted to make a list so – on scrap paper, in five minutes i wrote down the basics any kid could tell you a baby needs, which i tore up and threw away afterwards. but it felt so good!!

i’ve been walking around on pins and needles the past few days because next week is when we will hear your heartbeat and you will be deemed viable. viable is such a cold word to be describing something with so much potential life. thursday will not come soon enough…

OCTOBER 5, 2011

i hate calling it the big 3-0 (even though i did for A, hehe :) because really 30 isn’t  that big, it’s just another year with many more to follow. maybe i am in denial but i don’t think so!

i woke up this morning by andreas kissing my check saying “happy birthday. now we are both in the same decade and official adults”. i love hearing those words, forget the same decade, but that we are adults. he was talking about our little seed. i love that on my 30th, it was more than just him and me. it’s still really early and there is still uncertainty but i always want to remember that on my 30th birthday we were three.

my mom, A and i went to dinner at bella napoli a little italian alimentari in brookside. i was craving sushi like crazy but i was forced to heed the warnings about raw fish and pregnancy - so pasta and carbs won. we devoured an wonderful appetizer and i licked my salad plate because the balsamic vinaigrette was beyond this world. we came home opened wonderful presents, ate ice cream and i crashed on the couch that evening.

all in all, it was a wonderful birthday. i wanted to keep it low keyed because we didn’t know what the results of the ivf would be. if our results were negative i didn’t want to feel pressured to celebrate and if it was positive i could choose how to celebrate. and let’s just say that i mentioned to andreas that a beachy vacation this spring would be another great way to celebrate turning 30. of course, he would be invited to come along.

OCTOBER 2, 2011

week 4

perfectly round and oh-so tiny. it made me smile that you are starting out as poppy seed. because really, who doesn’t love poppy seeds? as i held one in my hand, i laughed at the fact that something so small has caused me so much joy, anxiety, relief, worry and happiness. i always knew poppy seeds were powerful little fellows!

we’ve shared with everyone who knew we were going through ivf that you decided to stick. having good news to share has been so good for  my soul. especially this past year i found myself shutting down when asked “what’s new” because i didn’t have anything new to say. still infertile? yes. still waiting until the fall for ivf? yes. andreas still working extra hours to save for ivf? yes. still dealing with a world of pregnancy announcements, baby showers and kiddos everywhere? yes. so finally having something to share has truly been the best part of my week and we have received so many heart-felt hipp-hipp-hoorays and congrats.

i am still cautious and rightly so. the build up of three and a half years of disappointment, despair, and sadness does not leave a person easily. it still feels too early to use the words pregnant or baby, instead we were successful and your name is seed. we did have a little scare this week with some bleeding. my brain and body went from blissful to a deep low in a matter of minutes – i forgot how fragile and uncertain this process still is. some blood work the next day showed that everything is a-okay, and while the thought of you leaving is still fresh we have to trust and believe that all is well.

the week is ending and we are preparing for my birthday next week. to say that i am so excited to celebrate my 3-0 with andreas and our seed is an understatement. i must sound like a crazy person (at least in my head) because a million times i say “stay in there little seed!” the almost birthday girl says so!