OCTOBER 2, 2011

week 4 – poppy seed

10/2/2011

perfectly round and oh-so tiny. it made me smile that you are starting out as poppy seed. because really, who doesn’t love poppy seeds? as i held one in my hand, i laughed at the fact that something so small has caused me so much joy, anxiety, relief, worry and happiness. i always knew poppy seeds were powerful little fellows!

we’ve shared with everyone who knew we were going through ivf that you decided to stick. having good news to share has been so good for  my soul. especially this past year i found myself shutting down when asked “what’s new” because i didn’t have anything new to say. still infertile? yes. still waiting until the fall for ivf? yes. andreas still working extra hours to save for ivf? yes. still dealing with a world of pregnancy announcements, baby showers and kiddos everywhere? yes. so finally having something to share has truly been the best part of my week and we have received so many heart-felt hipp-hipp-hoorays and congrats.

i am still cautious and rightly so. the build up of three and a half years of disappointment, despair, and sadness does not leave a person easily. it still feels too early to use the words pregnant or baby, instead we were successful and your name is seed. we did have a little scare this week with some bleeding. my brain and body went from blissful to a deep low in a matter of minutes – i forgot how fragile and uncertain this process still is. some blood work the next day showed that everything is a-okay, and while the thought of you leaving is still fresh we have to trust and believe that all is well.

the week is ending and we are preparing for my birthday next week. to say that i am so excited to celebrate my 3-0 with andreas and our seed is an understatement. i must sound like a crazy person (at least in my head) because a million times i say “stay in there little seed!” the almost birthday girl says so!