OCTOBER 17, 2011

week 7

10/23/2011

.51 inches

 you have made a giant leap from lentil to blueberry

this week i am a little more at peace since we heard your heartbeat last week

naps have become part of my regular routine but other than that i feel great

andreas is already calling you a boy…it’s going to be a long 40 weeks :)

OCTOBER 13, 2011

i have been teaching my students about fall this week. it’s a difficult concept to grasp when we have two names for the exact same season. so i find myself repeating “fall is autumn, autumn is fall” to help clarify.

but fall is here. i have made pumpkin bread (twice). soups are back in our dinner rotation. the heat is on during the evening. and sunday = football.

of course, when i look outside my eyes cannot be fooled to believe it is anything else but fall. the leaves are changing and tumbling down. the air is brisk and chilly. i am craving my morning coffee more than ever, but resisting like a good girl. the morning are dark and the evening are short. some feel that fall can be depressing, but i so enjoy this time of year. it is time to slow down, curl up and prepare for the winter months ahead.

OCTOBER 9, 2011

week 6

10/16/2011

.25 inches

we finally got to see our bean this week (our nickname for you, even though he/she is still a wee little seed). we went to go see my midwife, whom i dearly love (ask me why in person, it’s not completely blog appropriate) and after a few tears when they told us we would have to wait until next week for an ultrasound and answering some overwhelming questions first-time parents haven’t even thought of this early (breastfeeding…doulas…what?), we were sent to radiology.

it was one of the most surreal moments to see your little heart beating away on the screen. 124 beats per minutes. exactly where it should be. i kept thinking this isn’t real, except i had no choice but believe. of course, my A asked the tech a thousand and one questions while all i wanted to do is keeping watching your heartbeat. she measured you from rump to crown and according to her you are 5 weeks and 3 days, which is a little perplexing since we know your conception date – one of the perks of ivf. we did see a little surprise – another sack but it was completely empty. when the tech said another sack, A eyes got really wide. i had to smile, since during this process he always said one is just enough for us :)

today made me trust a little bit more that this is really happening. i still remind myself that it is early. i still remind myself that we aren’t out of the woods yet. but tonight i didn’t have any of those thoughts. instead, we talked about your little heart beat and gazed at a fuzzy print out of you. in awe.

OCTOBER 9, 2011

week 5

10/9/2011

.13 inches

if had to compare, because in my mind a poppy and sesame seed were virtual the same size. but no! you have grown and it’s an important week because all your inner are beginning to develop so i have been extra good and only had one coffee and one diet coke this week.

this week everything has felt a little more real. i made an appointment with my midwife. you were given a due date 6.03.2012 – andreas loved this date because six is half of three and twelve is six doubled. does anyone else think like this besides my A? i’m been exhausted during the day and peeing all through the night. i love these little reminders that you are there.

perhaps the most exciting is that we had a couple of those “after the baby is born” conversations. i even allowed myself to quickly jot down a list of must have for any baby – three years ago all i could do is makes lists, it’s how i get excited. so lists were made but much more complete with name brand, price, and store location. after our first ivf the lists just disappeared all together. but this week i wanted to make a list so – on scrap paper, in five minutes i wrote down the basics any kid could tell you a baby needs, which i tore up and threw away afterwards. but it felt so good!!

i’ve been walking around on pins and needles the past few days because next week is when we will hear your heartbeat and you will be deemed viable. viable is such a cold word to be describing something with so much potential life. thursday will not come soon enough…

OCTOBER 5, 2011

i hate calling it the big 3-0 (even though i did for A, hehe :) because really 30 isn’t  that big, it’s just another year with many more to follow. maybe i am in denial but i don’t think so!

i woke up this morning by andreas kissing my check saying “happy birthday. now we are both in the same decade and official adults”. i love hearing those words, forget the same decade, but that we are adults. he was talking about our little seed. i love that on my 30th, it was more than just him and me. it’s still really early and there is still uncertainty but i always want to remember that on my 30th birthday we were three.

my mom, A and i went to dinner at bella napoli a little italian alimentari in brookside. i was craving sushi like crazy but i was forced to heed the warnings about raw fish and pregnancy - so pasta and carbs won. we devoured an wonderful appetizer and i licked my salad plate because the balsamic vinaigrette was beyond this world. we came home opened wonderful presents, ate ice cream and i crashed on the couch that evening.

all in all, it was a wonderful birthday. i wanted to keep it low keyed because we didn’t know what the results of the ivf would be. if our results were negative i didn’t want to feel pressured to celebrate and if it was positive i could choose how to celebrate. and let’s just say that i mentioned to andreas that a beachy vacation this spring would be another great way to celebrate turning 30. of course, he would be invited to come along.

OCTOBER 2, 2011

week 4 – poppy seed

10/2/2011

perfectly round and oh-so tiny. it made me smile that you are starting out as poppy seed. because really, who doesn’t love poppy seeds? as i held one in my hand, i laughed at the fact that something so small has caused me so much joy, anxiety, relief, worry and happiness. i always knew poppy seeds were powerful little fellows!

we’ve shared with everyone who knew we were going through ivf that you decided to stick. having good news to share has been so good for  my soul. especially this past year i found myself shutting down when asked “what’s new” because i didn’t have anything new to say. still infertile? yes. still waiting until the fall for ivf? yes. andreas still working extra hours to save for ivf? yes. still dealing with a world of pregnancy announcements, baby showers and kiddos everywhere? yes. so finally having something to share has truly been the best part of my week and we have received so many heart-felt hipp-hipp-hoorays and congrats.

i am still cautious and rightly so. the build up of three and a half years of disappointment, despair, and sadness does not leave a person easily. it still feels too early to use the words pregnant or baby, instead we were successful and your name is seed. we did have a little scare this week with some bleeding. my brain and body went from blissful to a deep low in a matter of minutes – i forgot how fragile and uncertain this process still is. some blood work the next day showed that everything is a-okay, and while the thought of you leaving is still fresh we have to trust and believe that all is well.

the week is ending and we are preparing for my birthday next week. to say that i am so excited to celebrate my 3-0 with andreas and our seed is an understatement. i must sound like a crazy person (at least in my head) because a million times i say “stay in there little seed!” the almost birthday girl says so!