FEBRUARY 27, 2010

i do like a good project but i am being to wonder about this particular project. i didn’t realize how involved it might be. we have finished removing the paint from most of the trim in the dining room, minus the crown molding. now we are left with blotchy trim with pieces of stripping gunk and little pieces of paint. not exactly what i thought would be the end result. A thinks he can sand the wood down to bare wood, i am thinking we have a lot of trim and there must be a better way, right?

honestly, i cannot even remember what possessed me to peak behind our white-painted trim in the first place. perhaps, its a good thing i don’t remember.

FEBRUARY 26, 2010

i can’t sleep tonight, my mind keeps thinking about our embryo. the past few days have been the most peaceful during the ivf process. knowing that there is beautiful blob that is part me and part andreas out there makes me grin. we have someone else out there that is ours. it’s wonderful.

to be honest, part of me wants the embryo to stay sound and safe in that petri dish. in that dish he/she is alive and full of promise. when he/she is put back in me there is that chance…that chance that he/she won’t survive. and then we will be back to the same place. just the two of us.

so tonight, i will remain peaceful and think of our embryo.

FEBRUARY 25, 2010

we got the call this morning. one. we have one embryo.

when i heard the embryologist say one fertilized over night, i panicked. only one? what happen to the other two? one seems so few. what if our one doesn’t continue to grow and divide – we will be left with none.

come on little, one! be our “one”.

FEBRUARY 24, 2010

and then there were three. from five follices, they retrieved three eggs.

now the real work begins. this morning our three eggs were fertilized with A’s sperm. that feels weird to type out. basically, the lab is making our potential baby. no champagne and silk sheets for this lady. no just a petri dish and one of your dad’s best swimmers.

we will wait for a phone call tomorrow morning telling us if all three eggs fertilized and are growing. i am surprised how each steps seems to be more imperative than the last and i wonder when it will stop? today, i will rest and A is cooking dinner – a frittata.

FEBRUARY 21, 2010

our saturday evening ritual

FEBRUARY 19, 2010

five. five follicles will be taken from me and hopefully grow into beautiful little embroys. in the ivf world, five is not a lot but the doctor saids it’s enough and remember “it only takes one”. i am getting tired of hearing that. my nerves are getting the best of me today, when they take them out they will either live or die. they feel so safe right now in me. i am proud of my little five follies. but out they will come and we will continue on.

FEBRUARY 18, 2010

i am finding pleasure in cooking the simplest things these days. granola. tomato sauce. a loaf of bread. brownies. sometimes i drag my feet and the last thing i want to do is proof yeast, but when i start i remember how simple the recipes are. also, i’m trying to stick to the same recipes. my tendency is to search for a new recipe every time, but as i force myself to reuse the recipe it is becoming familiar, almost comfortable.

FEBRUARY 17, 2010

isn’t this the perfect picture of february?

dreary. cold. harsh.

but somehow i still find them beautiful. i wonder, how did these blossoms manage to hang on all winter long? through the ice, wind, and snow. i remind myself to pay attention this spring to see what they are alike when in full bloom, so next february when i see the brown i am reminded of renewal.

maybe these blossoms speak to me so because i am reminded of the process that i am about to venture into. andreas and i are days away from starting our ivf cycle. we have been trying to add to our family (i don’t say have a baby anymore, it’s seems too close)  for exactly two years. we have met with doctors and taken tests and they tell us “well it could be this, or it could be there”. all i know is that, it is still just the two of us, two years later. so we have turned to ivf to turn a dream into our reality. parts of me feel dead inside, parts that i feel should be capable of producing an off-spring. but today i thought, maybe i just need a little help and soon they will blossom and be create something beautiful as well. only time will tell.

FEBRUARY 16, 2010

a confession: it might look as though i have every meal perfectly planned out, but in reality one out of three meals gets “the bump”.

you see, i have this love – hate relationship with meal planning. the love part of it includes: making my weekly grocery list, doing all my shopping one day a week (want to make me instantly grumpy? tell me you are running to the store for one item), and anticipation of certain favorites meals. the hate part includes: seeing tilapia on the menu for the day, but there is not an ounce of me that wants to cook, let alone eat fish tonight. so what happens? tilapia gets bumped. so much of what i want to eat so much depends on my day and the weather. if it suddenly turns crisp and cool, tacos are out and warm bread and broccoli cheddar in. if i am tuckered out from a long day, cutting up veggies and sautéing meat for stir-fry, ha?! but a scrambled egg sandwich = delish.

so don’t let my chalkboard fool you because it certainly doesn’t fool me.

FEBRUARY 14, 2010

it’s valentine’s day today. it’s one of those holidays that i always ask A “how do we want to celebrate?”. since he didn’t grow up celebrating, he is a little impartial but i remember loving valentines days. giving out valentines cards, eating yummy candy, seeing splashes of red in the shops and around town. it always a nice constrast to the browns and greys that have been looming for months.

but i think we have found how we like to celebrate our valentines days. this year it is a special meal at home, steak for him and asparagus for me. some kind of yummy dessert. sometimes there are flowers, this year it was a card. we spent the evening together talking. i guess it’s more about remembering each other, and the ones we love. xoxo