MARCH 23, 2013
yesterday, as I was massaging coconut oil into your skin after bath
NOVEMBER 13, 2012
yesterday, we sold our super duper uppavista stroller because it is too large to fit into louie (my new car). i was very reluctant to let go of it because it was caleb’s first stroller. our first outing was a stroll, a quick one at that because it was 100F degrees plus, on the plaza to baby gap and h&m. we took our first walk in the neighborhood as a family about a week after he came home from the hospital. i remember it was 9pm, and the sun was beginning to set. we saw our first firefly of the summer.
letting go of the stroller wasn’t so hard, no it’s the bassinet. that bassinet has been caleb’s bed for the past five months. it has remained by my side of the bed, so close that i could hear him breath. within an hour of arriving home from the hospital, caleb was asleep in his bassinet and i was asleep next to him. there was such comfort in knowing he was inches from me. i could respond to his cries quickly and pick up my hungry babe during the night. mostly, what i love was having him next to me. sometimes, i would reach over the bassinet, place my hand his belly to feel the rhythm of his breathing.
however, it was becoming more difficult to deny that maybe, just maybe, the bassinet wasn’t becoming the safest place. my little one is rolling now, which also means pushing up and his new favorite sleeping position, his belly. his fancy new tricks mean he should be transitioned to his crib, but i have been dragging my feet. no more dragging feet since selling the stroller meant that the bassinet went with it.
so here is my confession, i don’t want him to sleep in his crib. alone. without me.
here is my other confession, sometimes he didn’t sleep in his crib or his bassinet, no he would sleep right next to me in bed.
i know there is a lot of controversy about co-sleeping, but it is something that we do. he sleeps so well next to me. so last night, after a few hours in his crib i pulled him into bed with us. he was having a hard time settling in his crib, but mostly i wanted him next to me. i haven’t decided what we are going to do – purchase a co-sleeper? make the complete transition to his crib? find another bassinet?
my last confession, i don’t like that my babe is growing and outgrowing so many stages so quickly. i was not prepared for how quickly they change and start to become little humans. sigh.
JUNE 25, 2012
it feels so good to be typing this post but it’s hard to believe two weeks has gone by so quickly.
we have come home for the hospital and had a full week at home. andreas went back to work on wednesday – caleb and i have had three days at home by ourselves.
dear friends have fed us, my mom has been over every night to hold her first grand baby, and we have braved it outside the house a couple of times – target and the grocery store. keep it in mind that it’s ridiculously hot right now, so going outside isn’t that appealing after all.
you are a noisy little baby. not because you cry a lot but because you make the sweetest little grunts and squeaks all the time. you are working on your smile, it usually happens when you are in a milk coma – but when it does happen the world stops for that moment.
you are eating so well and wake up every two hours during the night.
on the 25th we had our first visit with dr. magie – you belly button had fallen off the night before so he was able to look at it since it kinda freaked me out.
but what have we really being doing? holding you. snuggling with you. and giving you so many kisses.
there is nothing better in the world than that.
JUNE 23, 2012
our first days home with you were not what we expected. i expected to be so tired i could barely keep my eyes open. i expected to sit and sleepily watch your every breath. i expected to be up every hour during the night, either changing your diaper, feeding you or just rocking you to sleep. i expected to wish andreas his first US father’s day (yes, this lucky papa gets to celebrate two father’s day) with the matching tshirt and onesies of the dutch team that was playing in the euro cup that afternoon.
instead, as we sat around anxiously waiting for you to be released so we could strap you into your car seat and walk out a new little family of three – we were told that you couldn’t go home. you had been admitted into the nicu because they had concerns. i sat on the hospital bed as they listed the concerns: little tremors, your eyes sunsetting and a loss of 9.4% of your birth weight. i will never forget the kindness of the the nurse (barb), who held my hand after the doctors left the room as the weight of what they had told me sunk in. seconds after the doctors left, andreas walked into the room prepared to take his son home, but he was met by a wife in tears and barb re-telling him what the doctors had said.
the next three days were a blur – doctors, neonatologist, talk of mri and cat scans, strict three hour feeding, beeping monitors, redness on your heel from being picked, pumping so my milk would come in and quick trips home to see a kitty so besides herself from being left by herself. those three days were some of the scariest and most heartbreaking three days i’ve ever had. i never had envisioned that being part of our story. in the end, their concerns went unfounded and what held you in the nicu was dehydration. so we prayed and hoped for you to start peeing – we danced and high-fived with each wet/dirty diaper.
i am in the process of releasing the fears and sadness that i associate with those first days, but there are pieces of those days that i want to remember.
i want to remember the kindness of the nicu nursing staff. not only did they take care of our sweet baby. they helped us as new parents wade through those first few days of getting to know you. also, they ood and awed over caleb and said you were the cutest baby. reminding me to look past the wires and ignore the beeps of the machine, and just stare at my new beautiful baby.
i want to remember the time i spent rocking and feeding caleb in the nicu. the rocking chair placed next to caleb’s cot in the nicu was oddly familiar. a few years earlier i had purchased the exact same rocking chair at a thrift store, with the idea to reupholster it. that never happen, but the comfort of seeing something familiar in a situation that is so uncertain bought a sigh of relief and a calmness that spoke to me. i sat in that chair and he would breastfeed while being supplemented through a thin tube. after he finished eating, i would sit and rock him. because that is the only thing i knew to do. that is the only thing i could do.
i want to remember andreas tenderness towards caleb. i always joked with andreas asking him if he was going to cry when he first met his son (i need to ask but i don’t think he did) since i have only seen him cry a few times and most of those have been while watching lord of the rings. once we were allowed to see caleb in the nicu, tears started streaming down andreas’ face. the tears fell the rest of the afternoon and into the evening. a week later i asked him, why do you think it hit you so hard seeing caleb in the nicu. his only answer is that he wanted his son to be okay and he wanted to bring his son home. and at that moment he could do nothing to make either of those things happen.
i want to remember the love and support we felt from family and friends – near and far. the emails, texts and phone messages from those who love us and love caleb. amanda, my sister, who researched anything we asked her to and then provided us with only the most important details. this meant the world to me, as so many of us know that looking up anything on the internet can be a dangerous thing.
i want to remember breaking down while in trader joe’s. at that moment i thought my heart could be broken no further – and while i know that is no where true – it was my darkest moment of not being able to see the light at the end. andreas and i sat in the chick-fil-a parking and listened as i poured out my worst fears about my caleb.
i want to remember the night they bought caleb back into our room. it was totally unexpected and we instantly became those giddy first time parents with their son. andreas picked him up, sat on the couch and let him suck his finger. i grabbed my camera and finished writing my labor story in his baby book. we found our rhythm so quickly.
i want to remember finally walking out of that hospital with him. the joy we felt of bringing our son home!
JUNE 17, 2012
little did we know how much you would change our world so quickly, little caleb. friday and saturday we spent loving on you in the hospital.
we listened to you make the cutest squeaks. we looked over every inch of your perfect little body – i am so in love with your squishy toes and your chubby cheeks (everyone says you get those from your papa). we skyped with family so they could meet you. you even had a few visitors that came to meet you.
it is truly surreal to have you in my belly one day and the next day have you in my arms. i have longed to have you in my arms for ages. now, you are here snuggling into my chest and it is the best feeling in the world.
auntie kaddie and ellen came to visit on friday. they spoke the kindest words to me, “linds you are such a natural”. caleb, i have waited for so long to be your mama and these first two days with you have been bliss.
along with all the snuggles, we have been learning how to take care of you. the feeding thing is coming along – you have no problem latching on which is making mama a little sore. your papa has nailed how to swaddle you like a burrito and he has become a human pacifer. you are both so content to sit on the couch watch the euro cup while you suck on his fingers. we have even loved changing your sticky meconium diapers.
tomorrow we go home. you’ll meet gracie. sleep in your bassinet. and be showered with more kisses (i don’t think that will ever stop :)
JUNE 15, 2012
JUNE 13, 2012
well, baby B we have been patiently (um, kinda) waiting for you. for ten days. after your due date.
we spent the past two weeks with our bags packed, the frig stocked, and every morning andreas woke up and asked me ”how are you feeling?”
my response “i’m still pregnant”
but like it or not tomorrow you are coming out because at 7am i am being induced.
it’s has been a little surreal to walk around the house knowing that our normal for the past six years is going to be changing. there are so many unknowns and what ifs about you joining our family.
today my mind has been going back to those couple of days when you were growing in the petri dish at the clinic. i remember i didn’t want them to transfer you because at that moment you were perfect and safe. i’ve been feeling the same way with you being in my belly. you are perfect and safe.
but here is the other thing that i have been thinking about – andreas and i did not sacrifice, experience the highs and lows of infertility, or spend four years dreaming about you for you to remain in my belly.
we did everything we could so that you would have the chance to live life.
so baby B, i am ready to be your mama tomorrow. andreas is ready to be your papa.
we are ready to guide you on the path you will forge. we are ready to teach you about this world. we are ready to fall madly in love with you. and finally we ready to take on the unknowns and what ifs because you are so worth it.
we are ready.
MAY 20, 2012
the month of May has been so busy! wrapping up school, finishing work, house projects…but the best part has been the lovely baby showers to celebrate you, baby B!
Andreas and i have been amazed by the generosity and excitement of our friends and family.
first, was my work shower held by my dearest ell teachers. we dined on some yummy appetizers and they showered you with cutest outfits and a target gift card. they know how much this mama-to-be loves Target.
next, was my family and friend shower. the amount of thought and love put into this shower was incredible. i should have taken pictures of everything because your auntie amanda thought of every stinking details down to the cutest striped straws and little wooden utensils.
the food at this shower was heavenly, if i could only dine like that everyday. it seems only appropriate to record the menu so some day i can look back and drool.
red velvet and lemon cupcakes from cafe europa (the lemon ones were to die for), handmade blackberry lemonade and strawberry limeade, puffed pastries with berries and cream, tomato and mozzarella, chocolate covered bananas, roasted potatoes with red pepper dip, and green beans wrapped in bacon. one word – yum. scratch that. two words – so yummy!
the rest of the shower (after the eating which took some time :) was spent with everyone writing wishes to the baby – i know in years to reading over their wishes for you will bring tears to my eyes. we opened gifts- even one that was sent in from texas, and of course we pulled out our crafty side and painting stenciled bibs.
oh and the decor was fabulous. a dear friend with some awesome connections at hallmark had the paper airplanes made just for you! i could go on and on about every detail and every person that was at that shower, but really it is the warm feeling in my soul when i think of that afternoon that explains it all.
next, our group of friends from church shower you with baby love. they all bought over food and we opened gifts. it has been just about a year since we joined our group and in the past eight months three babies have been added! we cannot wait for you to grow up with them and since they are all girls we totally approve of any future relationships that may come. what joy to have so many people in the same life stage as us.
and finally, andreas’ work held us a shower as well. i was so curious to attend this shower because in the five years of working for usbank i have only met a handful of his co-workers (99% of them are male), but it was so much fun. surprisingly, some of the guys started to share stories of their kids’ birth or the early days as a new dad. conversation that does not happen very often with a bunch of computer dudes. we ate a yummy cake, with some kinda of cream in the middle – i guess i am all about the cream right now – and played some games. they shower us with gifts from our registry and a target gift card.
baby B you have been showered with so much love! we can barely wait to meet you!
APRIL 20, 2012
oh baby B, i did so well the first 27 weeks with taking pictures and trying to capture what happened that week, but these last six to eight weeks have been crazy. what could distracted me so? well the next two vegetables were a little less than thrilling: chinese cabbage and butternut squash. so i guess that was the downward spiral. oh that and entering my third trimester of pregnancy, which reminded me of my first. hello afternoon naps. so much has happen that i want to capture it.
your room is starting to fill up. we purchased your crib from craigslist (the crib i really wanted – it’s norwegian. coincedence?) and ordered a new mattress. i was beginning to panic because i couldn’t find a dresser that i liked but a few weeks ago we found it at a vintage furniture store. i’m still debating about painting it, but it fits perfectly in the space. then there is the fun stuff: a rug, prints for your room, baskets to hold toys, the stroller and bassinet, and nightlight.
oh, i have discovered a new love – baby consignment sales! it’s a new trend for these sales to pop up only for a couple of days but the amount of items they have is unbelievable. andreas came with me to the first one then quickly realized it was not for the faint of heart, so i turned to the next best shopper – my mom (she is still deciding her “grandma” name). we tore up the next sale and came home with so many goodies! let’s just say that you have clothes for the next 6-9 months.
week 27-28 ish
and what about you? you are growing like a weed. my belly is very much becoming a belly that is unstoppable. no stretch marks yet and andreas and i are taking bets on when/if my belly button pops out. our appointments are now every two weeks which makes time go by quicker because it feels like we were just in to see julie. we started and finished our hynobirthing classes and i have to say i am so glad that we took the time to prepare for your labor and birth, we feel so well prepared.
i will admit i am already becoming sentimental about not being pregnant any more. i love my belly. i love having you in my belly. i love the random smiles from strangers. i love the belly rubs and watching you move. i love the the anticipation of you joining our family. i love all the excitement surrounding your arrival. i told andreas there better be a tipping point when i want you out more than in, otherwise i may never let you come out. :)
APRIL 4, 2012
hello family and friends,
my hopes that our first yearly letter to be sent would be mailed in february (hence the two red love birds on the card) but alas it is the end of april and i’m just now typing this letter. i thought about scrapping the whole thing, but the cards have been printed, written on and addressed. and it was on my list of new year’s resolutions and so far it is the only one i have kept.
the end of the christmas holiday usher in a few snow days for me and followed by a quiet springtime. there were a few house projects completed and some started. this spring we changed churches and found a small group of people in our neighborhood that we are beginning to dearly love. after searching so long for a place to fit, we feel blessed to have found this group of people. also, we celebrated our fifth year of marriage (yes, three times) with much joy. saying that we have been married five years makes me feel like such a grown-up, even though it has gone by in a blink of an eye.
we spent the lovely summer abroad visiting my dad and andreas’ family. it was the first time we had both been back to geneva since we first met, so there was much anticipation to stroll through familiar parts of town and reminiscence together. we were so fortunate to visit with a few old friends who are still in the area. we so appreciate those friendship even though they are miles away. next, we flew over to trondheim home to åsmund, berit, nathaniel and benjamin. we were delighted to spend a long week with them and andreas’ parents. we got to meet our god child, benjamin, for the first time, we did some hiking, sat around in the warm norwegian sun and enjoyed our precious time together.
we came back to a garden overtaken by the heat wave that hit kansas city and kitty who desperately needed some andreas lovin’. we settled back into life as we were about to enter a few intense months that could change our lives. i think we have shared with most, but if not, andreas and i have been trying to have a baby for three and a half years without success. back in february 2010 we went through our first in-vitro fertilization (ivf) with poor results and unsuccessful. since then we took some time to regroup, save money and visit other doctors. we found a wonderful clinic in st. louis who were willing to work with us and so in early september we began our second round of ivf. let’s just say we can drive to st. louis with our eyes closed, have sat in more waiting rooms then desirable, and i’ve given myself more injections than i ever thought possible. and the results? positive! this time it worked and our world has changed. our baby boy will be born on june 3, 2012. while we are five short weeks away from meeting him our joy and disbelief that he is actually coming is just as strong as it was in the beginning. infertility has changed us. our pain through this journey is beginning to turn into a scar but like any scar it is still visible from time to time. we are so thankful to all those who loved and cared for us as we went through this journey.
about a week after finding our that we were pregnant, i celebrated my 30th birthday with a lovely dinner with andreas and my mom. the rest of the fall and winter went by like a flash of lighting, even with a quick visit from andreas’ mom. i took one class at umkc as i am working towards my master’s in curriculum and instruction focusing in tesol. andreas continued his computer programming work at us bank while working extra hours during the evening and weekends for a lawyer in kansas city. finally, we rang in the new year with my sister, amanda, and her husband, theo, in washington dc. though it was only a few short days, it was so good to get away and explore a new city. we ate well, relaxed well and enjoyed the company of family we don’t get to see enough.
since we are firmly planted into 2012 it goes with saying that the last five months have been another whirlwind of preparing for baby B and just life. i’ll leave the details for next year (again my hopes that our letter will be out before february, but i have heard that babies have a way of changing one’s plans). if you would like to stay connected through the year come back here for pictures and more stories.
much love to all,
Lindsay + Andreas